The Stormy Sea of Matrimony

two true stories by lorraine wylie

 

 

 

 

 

If he doesn't look like a prince, talk or behave like one, there's a good chance he's a frog and no amount of kisses will turn his green blood blue!  

 

 

Our great grandmothers knew this. But fear of being alone often forced them to seek security through marriage. Romance or love rarely entered the equation. More often it was a question of accepting what was available and hoping he had a few Princely qualities.  

 

Over the decades however, women's lives have changed dramatically. Equal opportunity for education and employment has allowed women to be confident, independent and more secure than at any time in history. Yet when it comes to marriage, divorce statistics reveal that relationships are more prone to failure than previous generations. Great granny's dislike of waste, not to mention limited funds, often meant a lifetime looking at the same furniture. In today's affluent society, it's not only sofas that end up on the scrap heap. Marriage also carries a 'best before date.'

 

And being a Christian doesn't guarantee a lifetime of wedded bliss. We live in the real world, not a Walt Disney sanitised version. Stress, whether financial or family orientated, can put an overwhelming strain on the strongest of relationships. It's then that we are at our most vulnerable and open to the daily bombardment of temptation.  

 

 

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When 22-year-old Jenny married her childhood sweetheart, she thought it was forever.

"I met Gary when we were just fourteen. He was a friend of my brother and I found loads of silly excuses just to be there when he was around. But at that time, Gary was more interested in motorbikes than girls. I did everything to make him notice me, I cringe when I recall the pancake make-up to hide the spots and the scarlet lip-gloss that I thought hid the braces!

 

It wasn't until we met up at Scripture Union in college that we eventually got together. We were both Christians and involved in church youth work. Gary had just come out of a relationship and was a bit deflated, but within a few short weeks we were a couple. Five months later we got engaged and set a date for the wedding. Our church held counselling sessions for couples getting married, but we didn't think them necessary. After all, isn't love all you need?

 

But things started to go wrong when Gary lost his job a year after we were married. We had a mortgage and finance commitments, and I worried constantly about money. I didn't tell anyone about our situation or the fact that we were rowing all the time. Suddenly we didn't seem to have a lot in common and secretly I blamed him for all our troubles. In time the rows stopped. We had hurled so many hurtful and cruel accusations that we ended up emotionally exhausted. There was nothing left to say. I came home one evening to find a letter on the table, and Gary gone. He said he was sorry for letting me down and needed time to sort himself out. That was three years ago. Gary did sort his life out but there was no role for me.

 

Marriages are supposed to be made in heaven and last forever. But sometimes, especially where emotions are concerned, we rely on our feelings instead of God's plans. I think that if Gary and I had waited longer and prayed more we would have ended up brilliant friends, but not husband and wife.

 

Gary and Jenny found that the early bloom of romance is not enough to sustain a marriage.

 

 

 

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Carol and David's marriage hit a few rocks when they entered the stormy seas of parenthood.

 

"David and I had been married almost ten years when I became pregnant. I already had a daughter from a previous relationship in my teens, and David made a wonderful step dad. Having a child of our own was the icing on the cake."

 

David continues.

"I was overjoyed when Carol told me we were expecting a baby. It was great being step dad to our fourteen-year-old daughter, but it would be fantastic to have a baby round the place. Everyone at church was thrilled for us, they all shared our joy."

 

Carol takes up their story.

"At first Gemma, our daughter seemed just as delighted. She helped with the housework when morning sickness got the better of me. She even made the odd cup of tea for us when she got home from school! But, once the baby arrived, everything changed. I'd had a difficult labour and the first couple of weeks at home were exhausting. The baby seemed to sense my mood and he cried constantly. Friends and family did visit but to be honest, I just wanted everyone to go home and let us get back to normal. One day I'd just got the baby asleep and was just settling down for a nap when the phone rang. It was the school asking why Gemma had been absent all week! I was speechless; David had driven her to school every day."

 

David recalls the incident.

"I was furious with Gemma. She knew it wasn't an easy time for her mum; this was the last thing she needed. As soon as she arrived I didn't ask questions, I just shouted at her. It was the first time in our relationship that I'd lost my temper. Instead of backing me up, Carol lashed out, telling me she would deal with her daughter. I felt hurt, it seemed that no matter how long we'd lived together or how strong the relationship, at the end of the day I wasn't her dad"

 

Carol sighs at the memory.

" Admittedly things could have been handled better. But none of us was thinking or behaving rationally. David and I were suffering sleep deprivation and poor Gemma had lost her role as only child. Over the next few months things didn't get any better. David and I were either rowing or not speaking. Gemma had developed a taste for weird clothes and late nights. David still helped round the house and with the baby, but he didn't talk much to Gemma or to me.   At first we tried to hide our problems from friends at church. It seemed awful to admit that such a happy event should throw our relationship and family life into chaos. Instead of anticipating our son's dedication service, I was dreading it."

 

As home life worsened, Carol eventually confided in a Christian friend who also happened to be a nurse.

 

Carol continues.

I was at my wits end. David and I were like strangers, Gemma was rarely home, I had to tell somebody. Thankfully my friend recognised the signs of postnatal depression and suggested I see our GP. Once I realised that my feelings of exhaustion and depression weren't solely due to sleepless nights, I began to feel more hopeful.   Our doctor prescribed a short course of medication and vitamins that seemed to help. She also suggested I make use of the mother and baby support group in a local church hall. It was great having the company and meeting other mums who had experienced the upheaval of a baby later in life. Nevertheless, having a baby exposed some of the weaknesses in our relationship that we felt needed attention.

 

David and I made an appointment to see a Christian marriage counsellor. After a few sessions, we had a clearer view of each other's expectations of marriage. Surprisingly they were very similar. Slowly we began to communicate.   We started to spend more time together, letting my mum baby-sit so we could both go to Sunday service or mid-week bible study. Things still aren't back to the way they were, but then again our circumstances are different now. We still have some problems to work through with Gemma, but we're getting there."

 

Like many of us, David and Carol learned that parenthood can be a bittersweet blessing. Children, as well as enriching a relationship, can also put it under enormous pressure. Thankfully, most of us emerge with a marriage, a bit dog-eared and battle scarred but intact and stronger for the experience.

 

 

http://www.cguidelines.org.uk/counsel1.htm