DOMESTIC ABUSE

Don't Put Up With It!

by Adam Harbinson

There are things in each of our lives that we don’t like, and that we can change, but for whatever reason we don’t. Why don’t we? Why are we prepared to settle for second best?  

Perhaps the most common reason is fear of the unknown. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t know, so we live with a devil.

I grew up in a good home, and while it wasn’t all sweetness and light, apart from normal family disagreements and healthy sibling rivalry we all treated each other reasonably well. I never saw physical violence, not ever. As a teenager, there was a girl in my circle of friends whose boyfriend smacked her once, and to me it was a black and white issue; the relationship ends here. It was as simple as that. So it was quite a shock when later in life I realised that for many, violence in the home is their perception of normality.  

Statistics suggest that over 40% of women will suffer domestic abuse at some point in their lives, and the same statistics show that it is at least as prevalent in religious communities as it is in non-religious communities.

That raises two questions; why do people stay in violent relationships, and why do you rarely, if ever hear it addressed from the pulpit? Are preachers in denial or is it a messy business that’s not spoken about is decent company? Either way, it’s an example of monumental and unforgivable failure by the church.

But the first question; why do people stay in abusive relationships? It’s partly a matter of self-esteem. A woman will allow a man to physically abuse her only when she has been conditioned to believe she deserves no better. And she’s conditioned to believe that abuse is normal by systematic humiliation – verbal and emotional abuse – over a long period of time. Thus, she becomes a person with a limited understanding of love, she’s not valued as an individual, and therefore she neither loves nor values herself.   

What can the church do about it? Firstly, acknowledge that the problem exists. Secondly, make it clear that domestic abuse is totally unacceptable. And thirdly, teach and demonstrate the love of the Father by creating a safe and loving place where hurting people can rebuild their lives and move on.

And the woman? No matter what you’ve been told, God never condones violence. You will not save your violent husband's soul by tolerating inhuman behaviour. Jesus said, ‘The burden I give you is light.’

If it’s heavy, it’s not one that he has given you to carry.

 

For more information the UK Home Office has a free helpline: 0808 2000 247

Or the Women’s Aid helpline: 028 9033 1818 (Northern Ireland)